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Brockman, Kent
"Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of 'Smartline.' Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say 'No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?' But one woman says 'yes'... Marge Simpson." (7G09)
"Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie, the weather lady, has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo... Today, one Abraham 'Grampa" Simpson announced that he will give away over a hundred thousand dollars to the person - or persons - he finds most deserving... Is Grampa Simpson a mordern-day saint, a rich nut, or both?" (7F17)
"Tonight a city weeps as, for the first time ever, a hockey arena becomes a scene of violence following a concert by Spinal Tap." (8F21)
---- Brockman, Kent
"Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? Taken together, that excess blubber could fill the Grand Canyon two-fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind it is a very big canyon." (8F22)
"And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob - 100%. For Joe Quimby - 1%. And we remind you there is a 1% margin of error." (2F02)
---- Brockman, Kent
"I've said it before and I'll say it again. Democracy simply doesn't work. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doens't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay..." (2F11)
"(after Burns got shot) Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then trasferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to 'alive'." (2F20)
"This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 Newscopter. A large bearlike animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills, in search for food or perhaps employment. Please remain calm. Stay in your homes." (3F20)
"Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man - a town gone mad. A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit." (4F15)
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Bouvier, Selma
"I'll get right to the point. I'm getting older, fatter, and uglier... help me find a man before it's too late." (7F15)
"Oooh, this looks like fun... a bench! Kids, whaddya say you go get your Aunt Selma a beer smoothie?" (9F11)
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Mr. Bergstrom
"I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want. Two suggestions are Mister Nerdstrom and Mister Boogerstrom." (7F19)
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Burns, Montgomery
"We get the Simpsons a present, an extravagant present! A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present! (which is a rare Olmec Indian head statue)" (7F22)
"Isn't that cute? Smithers, he's joining the horsey set. That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?" (8F06)
"I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Mmm, why here's the fellow! Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me." (8F17)
"Smithers, this is a golden opportunity. If we get him (King Homer) alive, we can put him on Broadway. Dead, and we can sell monkey stew to the army!" (9F04)
"The watchdog of public saftey (inspecting his power plant). Is there any lower form of life?" (1F02)
"Smithers, do you realize, if I had died there would be no one to carry on my legacy? Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm, I never fathered an heir." (1F16)
"Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a 5% pay cut." (3F31)
"You should have seen the murderous glint in his (Homer's) eye, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzeled bread." (3F14)
"A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow. And left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner." (3G01)
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship: these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hostpital or sitting in some phony baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?" (4F17)
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Flanders, Ned
"Look, Homer, all of us pull a few boners now and then, go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves. So, I don't want to be hard on you, but I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys." (8F16)
"Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middleman who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse." (1F14)
"Okay, folks. Look, I called the police captain in Shelbyville and he says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the morgue he's gonna fax us." (2F22)
"Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people! I don't drink or dance or swear! I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side! I've done everything the Bible says; even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?" (4F07)
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Frink, Professor
"You've got to listen to me! Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and the shoving!" (2F01)
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Herman
"The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it (Bart's War against Nelson)." (7G05)
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Hutz, Lionel
"Doctors! Pffft! Doctors are idiots... you can ching-ching-ching cash in on this tragedy." (7F10)
"Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle of delicious bourbon, brownest of the brown liquors... So tempting. What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!" (9F20)
"I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer." (1F16)
"Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer - uhhhh, keeper awayer." (2F17)
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Houten, Milhouse Van
"How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy." (8F22)
"Bart, look. It's Principal Skinner, and I think he's gone crazy. He's not wearing a suit or tie or anything!" (1F18)
"Sorry, Bart, I'm gonna hang out with Lisa, for protection. And to be seen!" (2F05)
---- Houten, Milhouse Van
"Look out Itchy! He's Irish!" (3F16)
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Hibbert, Dr. Julius
"Well, only one in two million people has what we call the evil gene. Hitler had it. Walt Disney had it. And Freddy Quimby (Mayor's nephew) has it." (1F19)
"Marge, if this was my last meal, I'd tell the warden, 'Bring on the lethal injection!'" (4F04)
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Krabappel, Edna
"Now I don't want you to worry (about the standardized test), class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any." (7G02)
"Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots, replacing my birth control pills with Tic-Tacs..." (9F03)
"No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies. We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake." (2F32)
---- Krabappel, Edna
"As you know, Bart, your permanent record will one day disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs." (4F09)
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Krusty the Klown
"First of all, my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofski. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's fath... Well, you get the idea." (8F05)
"Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet making, the whole megillah. And for you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!" (8F24)
"Hey, Mel. Bring me another nicotine patch. I think there's some space on my butt." (9F16)
"Thirty-five years in show business and already no one remembers me. Just like what's-his-name and whos-its and, you know, that guy, who always wore a shirt..." (9F19)
"Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead." (3F08)
"Well, I'm not leaving 'til I get paid. I get five hundred just for 'Hey hey!'" (4F13)
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Lovejoy, Reverend
"Because these are children's toys the fire will spread quickly... stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes (leading anti-Krusty crusade)." (7G12)
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Monroe, Marvin
"Marge, it's what I call harsh reality time. Your husband sees you as nothing." (7G01)
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Meyer, Roger
"There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented." (7F09)
"If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts!" (9F16)
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McClure, Troy
"As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!" (7F14)
"Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as "Mothballing Your Battleship" and "Dig Your Own Grave and Save"!" (9F05)
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Nahasapeemapetilon, Apu
"I've just enrolled in a screenwriting class. I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu, pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it, 'Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey.'" (7F18)
"Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass." (2F20)
"I cannot deny my roots and I cannot keep up this charade. I only did it because I love this land, where I have the freedom to say, and to think, and to charge whatever I want!" (3F20)
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Prince, Martin
"Although I'm sure I will receive a severe wedgie from my busmates, I must remind you we should have been at school ten minutes ago." (8F21)
"The common box-kite was originally used as a means of drying wet string!" (3F08)
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Quimby, Diamond Joe
"I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, uh, once elected, I will sned for the rest of you." (1F08)
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Roberts, Sideshow Bob
"No children have ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it." (2F02)
"Well, Krusty, as you remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery. I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see, I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you, and whenever I could find spare time, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson." (4F14)
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Slyzlack, Moe
"You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs... once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings." (7G01)
"Aw, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born to the day they die, they think they're happy but, trust me... they ain't." (7F10)
"Homer, lighten up. You're making 'Happy Hour' bitterly ironic." (7F15)
"He may have come up with the recipe (for the Flaming Moe's), but i came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it." (8F08)
"Oh, uh, hi, Marge. I heard you and homer broke up so I'm declaring my intentions to move in on his territory. Here, I brung you some posies." (1F20)
"If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lotta crazy crap on the walls, then come on down to 'Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag'. Now that's "Moe" like it. So bring the whole family -- mom, dad, kids. uh, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance. It's fun! And remember our garantee: If I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me, Uncle Moe." (3F02)
"Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?! For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you're on a team. Well, I'm better than dirt - well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I- I can't compete with that stuff" (3F10)
"Homer, y'know I support most any prejudice you can name, but your hero-phobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more." (3F13)
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Skinner, Seymour
"Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it." (1F04)
"If I were a truant boy out for a good time (thinking about catching Bart out of school), I'd be right here. The Springfield Natural History museum. You're mine, Simpson." (1F19)
"That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children will believe anything you tell them." (4F09)
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Smithers, Waylon
"Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns's phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing." (3F14)
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Scorpio, Hank
"Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me above the other people. I'm just like you. Oh sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more, and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word 'boss'." (3F23)
"Homer, on your way out, if you want to kill somebody, it would help me a lot." (3F23)
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Wiggum, Clancy
"Krusty the Clown, you are under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say blah blah blah blah blah blah." (7G12)
"Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer?" (8F03)
"Well, I'm afraid we've got a budget problem, Mrs. Simpson. Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo." (8F11)
"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless." (9F09)
"All right. Come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says Capricorn, and something with coconut on it." (9F20)
"Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!" (9F22)
"Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around! Don't be shy, crowd around!" (3F12)
"See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free." (4F01)
"Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?" (4F21)
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Willie, Groundskeeper
"I dinna cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig. But I'll cry now." (9F13)
"If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders!" (1F05)
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